I Just Want to Go Home

During the fall of 2010 I began grieving over what I would lose if I left Moberly, my church, and my job as professor and Dean of Women at Central Christian College of the Bible.  The funny thing is that I wasn't even considering leaving.  If I ever got back together with my husband, I would move back to Cincinnati, but that was very unlikely.

Then I went to a women's conference with a group of ladies from my church.  It was a weird conference for me because of my unusually troubled spirit, but I couldn't put a finger on why I was upset.  One evening I was so disturbed that I just started reading scripture all alone in a dark corner on the floor outside our hotel room.  I was reading and crying, reading and crying, trying to drown out a phrase that kept pumping through my mind:  I just want to go home.

But this wasn't my phrase.  I knew that God was trying to tell me something, but I had no idea what it was.  I didn't even know what was referred to by the word "home."  Was this Cincinnati where my children live?  Heaven?  I had no idea.  And it wasn't even me doing the "wanting."  As I said, they weren't my words.  They were imposed on me from the outside:  I just want to go home.

The Spirit seemed to be pressing this message into my heart but I didn't know why.  It was upsetting to me because I like to figure things out and understand the reasons why I react the way I do.  My friend, Rhonda, came out to check on me, so I told her all of this and she prayed with me.

The next day, my favorite speaker at the conference said these words:  "It's not your job to find your way home; it's your job to follow the voice of the Shepherd."  Rhonda and I did a double-take.  Did she just say what I thought she said?  Then she said it again just in case we needed proof.  "It's not your job to find your way home; it's your job to follow the voice of the Shepherd."  Wow!  That was really cool confirmation that those words were Spirit-led!

The trouble was that I still didn't know what they meant.  Was I going to be leaving Moberly?  Dying?  I had no idea.  I could only conclude that something was coming and God meant me to be looking for it, and since it happened this way, I would know it was from him.  I also concluded that I wasn't supposed to do anything about finding my way home to Cincinnati.  God would take care of getting me "home" and that was that.

In hindsight I think this was a warning, kind of like Jesus warning people about false prophets to come so that they would be prepared.  Or like Paul being warned that prison and hardships were facing him.  Now that I have cancer, I can only conclude that God was preparing me. 

So I'm going home.  I get to go home.  All I have to do is follow the voice of the Shepherd.

 After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them,

and they follow him because they know his voice. 

John 10:4