Wait for the Lord

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord"
Psalm 27:14

It was time to call my children. That was the hardest part. We cried a lot together. I knew by then from reading on the internet that only 20% of people with metastatic breast cancer were alive after five years. My children have given me five grandchildren. The babies are less than four months old. I may have only five years. The boys are six, three and two. And I may have less than five years. It isn't enough. It isn't enough for my daughters either.

I know we could all die at any time, but I have more of a deadline (no pun intended). How should I use the time? Go back to Cincinnati where my cherished children live? Or stay in Missouri with beloved family and friends and a job that I love?

So I had the bone scan, but I had to wait five more days for the results. My niece came to stay with me. She was a godsend--waiting on me hand and foot, encouraging me, praying for me, waiting with me. The first afternoon we waited at Priscilla's house hoping for an answer any minute. But it was five more days before I found out--it was definitely cancer.

The doctor cried when she told me. I knew it was serious then. She confirmed that the average lifespan I had read about on the internet sounded about right.

I spend a lot of time staring into space. I can't take it in. I'm not praying much and I question myself about that. I hesitate to ask God to heal me. Do I want to be healed or do I want to go to heaven. I'm honestly not sure. Until I think about my grandchildren and how I won't see them learn to walk or say their first words or graduate or marry. And I think of the pain it will cause my daughters. I cry over this pain, and I would give anything to spare them.

I feel like my life was thrown up into the air, and nothing that I used to depend on will be there tomorrow like I thought it would. I don't know anything for sure.

So I wait...on the Lord. And I take heart.