The nurse called me to say that I needed to come into the doctor's office to hear the results of the test. That's never a good sign. If the results are good, the nurse just tells you over the phone.
I knew that a CT would give results for cancer patients too, so I tried to prepare for either a bloodclot in my lungs or for the possibility that my cancer had returned. Chemo had been so difficult the last time that I really didn't want to go through it again. And the hair loss. No!
It was cancer. Even though I had tried to prepare for that answer, it still felt like a punch in the stomach. I could die. And I could suffer a lot before I did.
I face the facts but I don't feel them. I shove the emotions to the back burner, just like usual. How should I feel? Is it prideful to ask that question or is it the mark of a mature Christian?
So many questions... What if...? What should I do now? Cry? Pray? Call someone? Feel something?
All I know is that God is in this. He has carried me through so much in the past and I know he will carry me through this too. And maybe, just maybe, we will dance.
"A time to mourn and a time to dance"
Ecclesiastes 3:4b
Regina, thank you for sharing. And your last line was absolutely beautiful! That imagery makes me smile. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your willingness to share this journey. Nothing that you feel will be wrong, it will just be what it is. And I'm sure you will learn a lot about yourself along the way. I'm always here if you need anything. Even if you just need to "vent". I love you.
ReplyDeleteMel (expert emotion stuffer)