Nothing I Desire Compares with You

I finally remembered to ask the radiologist (as opposed to my GP) about my prognosis and how long I had to live.  He said, "You have seasons to live.  You won't die within the next few days or weeks.  If you do, it won't be because of cancer.  You have seasons, a year, maybe two."  Oh my.

I was alone again to hear this news.  Why do I have to hear this stuff when I'm all alone?  It becomes a mantra in my head, a year maybe two, a year maybe two.  It was terrifying.  From the five years, maybe longer, that I had depended on having, my life was shortened to "seasons, a year, maybe two."  Seasons, like summer-fall and I'm done?  So instead of watching the new grandbabies grow to age five or older, I may not make it to age two?

I start shaking from the inside out.  If I were not in a doctor's office waiting for the nurse to come back, I would cry and maybe scream.  But I don't have words.  Except...a year, maybe two...a year, maybe two.

I'm not numb anymore.  This prognosis shakes me out of my numbness.  I don't like this answer, not at all.  And I'm scared.  This is not okay with me.  What will I do now?  How do I proceed with my life?

I have to go home.  I will go home.  I need my girls and they will need me.  That's settled.

God, help me.  I need to sing a song.  Uh...Lord, you are more precious than silver.  Lord, you are more costly than gold.  Lord, you are more beautiful than diamonds.  And nothing I desire compares to you.  Nothing I desire compares to you.

"...I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.  I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ"

Philippians 3:8